mid morning breakfast blues..

the only stuff edible at home are instant noodles and wholemeal bread with coffee. i wake up in the morning solely for my cuppa and my couple of slices of bread with butter. today however, the butter was missing..gone! not in the fridge, not on the kitchen counter, not on the dining table, not underneath the sofa or the cushions, i looked everywhere and was mentally yelling at my dad in case if he threw it away *my dad is completely capable of doing such crimes under the ploy of healthy eating..bah!* healthy instant noodles,my foot! when i realized the butter was truly gone and i was penniless, i lost all motivation to live..the only thing which kept me going was to chastise my dad when he comes home for lunch break. and when i did, his response was 'u cleared the kitchen,kan..maybe u accidentally threw it away' he said nonchalantly. then it all made sense, i'm slowly but surely self senju'ing myself into losing all motivation to wake up...oh well, at least there's loads of coffee at home =)

somethings just cant be translated

i'm going to make serious active efforts in improving my tamil reading skills.

reason?

திருக்குறள்

emotions are exhaustive

Today marks the first year anniversary of 2 events, the death of a friend and the day I met another.

I had no idea then how much it would have changed and did not change about my life. The retention of our memories are strongly influenced by our emotions at that particular time and I clearly remember how incapable I was to think beyond my grief, pain, loss and regrets.

My mind was stuck in a loop of memories of him, good memories which made me weep and bad ones which I would have done anything to undone and make better. 'If only' was so highly overused at that time.

He was not conventional nice, he picked on me, made me see my flaws,laughed at me when i was wrong and begrudgingly patted my back when i proved him wrong. I miss Vinod for many things but mostly for the not-so-nice ones which I would be annoyed of him when he was around, things that he insisted his friends would miss him for.

His passing made me realize little truths of life, made me promise to a number of things which I sometimes I don't keep up to although when memories of him hit home, I try a lil harder.

A year has passed and I feel now I remember Vinod the way he would have wanted to be remembered, not the sappy corny mushy sad stuff but him for he was and what is missing when is he no longer around.

p.s
nod, over the year i did a bunch of things u always nagged me bout with some help from a new friend. ;)

pps.
i can drive now =)

men

men!
i have always enjoyed their company and aptly called 'boy crazy' by besties
i love them, some i love indiscriminately others with some discretion ;)
i love their wit and humor, for their take of life and all things around them.
love the way they pay attention to the fairer sex and the lil games we play.
i love them from far and even better when i dont know them and their usual flaws.

something bout being effortless and making girls squirm anyway,
maybe its the cheekiness, cockiness and occasional chivalry,
or maybe the fact they pretend to be good listeners and say 'there..there,dearie'
sighhh..my favorite subject all time would always be the male species ;)

the blame game

lets play a game
shall give it a name
called blame
u wanted to defame
and i shall cause shame

it's so common,kan?we pick a nasty emotion, and find a reason to blame it on someone.
like 'he is the reason  i'm so miserable' ,
' she is the reason i'm broken beyond repair ',
' you're the reason i'm penniless' and its so tiresome to hear it,really.

i'm quite sure soon i might hear things like,
' i blame you for my constipation'
'why?'
'u dont like fruits, so i pun didnt eat any' =.=

why do our emotions and state of mind has to dependent on a another individual's actions and words? why are they responsible for something that we are suppose to have control over.

i understand no one can have full control of their feelings but certain amount restraints are necessary especially if it is involving negative feelings and other individuals. why do we subject other people to misery and gulit for our own mistakes, expectations and neurotransmitter chaos?
i think we always keep in mind, that no matter how close we are to someone..we should not take them for granted and think that they would put up with all our shit including our nasty blames towards them just coz they love us.

one of the things that made me think hard was a line a mom told her daughter ' people love you,aaliyah..they don't love you coz you're special but you're special because of their love' and that friends is one of truths we fail to realize. so again my question, why do we blame and hurt the people who love us? instigate their anger and causing them to move away?

what i wanna say is, one should stop blaming other people for the chaos in their lives and work on loving people who matter instead. done. and yes i am a self righteous ass.

demons

my early memories of them were the shadows underneath the crack of my bedroom door, the invisible hand which might suck you in when you go poo-poo, the moment you quicken your pace when you're walking back home in the evening refusing to look despite the nagging urge coz ur friends said 'jangan toleh belakang, malaikat akan hilang dan setan naik belakang'.

im no longer a child contrary to my parents' belief proven by my attention seeking gray and i still believe in demons. not just the ones which will suck ya in the sewage or climb on ur back but the ones within. call it fear, call it pride, might even be pessimism. turn a blind eye and ignore it all u want, but its going to be there..nagging at ya, setting out needless alarms, and speed breaks from the things and people you want or rightfully yours *not necessarily in that order*

it sucks i'll admit to that...but we all took our time to get over them, right?sometimes with a lil help from someone who cared enough to set us right but they have demons of their own,kan? so do we wait for help, seek for help, help ourselves, or just do nothing as in most times?
i have decided to ignore gandhi, and wage war...against inner demons..wish me luck =)
incomplete rambling?yes..my apologies. i will strive harder next time =p

ziggy lights

its close to 3am *regardless of what the time my blog says i posted this*, the rain woke me up =)) its a thunderstorm outside and its lovely to watch the zig zag lights, to hear the comforting patter of rain and feel the cold wind...

i will miss this room and i shall excuse myself now to enjoy liquid love ;)

spent

he will be the death of me.

ps. this tone is mock serious and as much i cant believe i'm saying it, i will not have it any other way.

pps.i changed my mind, my laptop will be the death of me.

Dear Armageddon-End of the World-Kiamat,

If you are happening, please happen faster and be done with it. This global warming, heat wave thing is driving me against the wall.

Sincerely,
Yours truly.

normalized.

all i needed was them to came by for a short surprise visit which cleared away the dark clouds and childlike musings. it is never ceases to amaze that they willingly drive for 3 hours just to have lunch and leave sans any complaints. their affection might not be said in words but the actions speak in volumes that cant be said by others. many might come and go, profess their adoration but none could compare to the love parents have for their children.

<3

half knowledge, concerns, stigmas, paranoia, and sex

it all started with the lil furry guy stuck in the room opposite mine and me being adamant of not letting him out till i left for home in ipoh on friday. poor guy died on saturday when my friends decided to capture him, instead of being caught and released to the wild he was given a burial at my porch with flowers and moment of silence honoring his death due to heat and starvation. i should have had more guts, could have attempted in his catch or release or at least braved myself to leave outside the door. i did neither out of fear and stigma and self importance =( #mistake1

during this course of time i managed to injure myself twice so i had 2 open cuts which i did not bother giving much attention as there were other pressing matters to worry bout like viva and the usuals. both this open cuts were sufficiently large but me being me did not bother even to the one on my sole #mistake2

when i was back home for the weekend, everyone was ill due to some nasty bug and i left home thinking 'that was a close one' mistake#3

so after all that mistakes on my part, i fell sick started with sore throat, fever at night with chills and bodyache...dismissing it as the bug from home, i carried on till thursday night when there pressure points of my feet and hands were painful with the slightest pressure. i was burning up, restless, itchy especially on my scalp with what felt like lil bumps on 'em and what freaked me out was the lil vesicles on my face which looked like chicken pox.

at the physician's, he had the same concerns as mine but looking at my hand and feet he said it might be HFMD (hand foot mouth disease) so he prescribed me with acyclovir and i was all set for prash's bday party after the lukewarm one we had for him the night before by the housemates.fast forward toyesterday and i had to return back to sp for my dental appointment.

my soon to be a dentist is a 3rd year student, great guy who puts in a lot effort in his work, i before the session, i was having a bug and he might wanna use double gloves which he did. at the end of session, he wanted to have a word and told me the injury near mouth looks very much like herpes..jeng jeng jeng!i told him i was on acyclovir and think it should be it sufficient. now he planted the second seed of paranoia, the first was planted by a another friend, who is final year medical student who saw me after some time gave me the usual hug and kiss pleasantries.while talking she noticed the marks on my fingers and she exclaimed HFMD and i told her it is okay, m on acyclovir. she had to insist it was herpes coz i was on acyclovir.

now, we finally get to the bit of half knowledges...my soon to be dentist friend has just learned contagious diseases and was applying his knowledge. we all remember the nastiest disease the best coz they are nastiest and since most of the infections have similar clinical presentations our mind's will jump quick into conclusion to the worst possible outcomes coz that is how we are tuned, to think of the worst! the thing bout diagnosis is, it is actually a guessing game and one would get it right with sufficient knowledge and experience.

my other friend, she is a perfect example of doctors who match up diseases with the medicines. herpes occurs either orally or genitally or how dr.rajesh explained 'waist up or waist down' coz the organism which infects are 2 types, and one affects one region only. she also failed to look into the history taking which resulted in the prescription of medication, suspected chicken pox. and then as most doctors, she only fixes one drug for a disease coz that makes her job easier but i study drugs and i know acyclovir has well a number of uses apart from HSV.

what im trying to get to is there was so many reasons that i could have fallen sick for and one of it could have  been someone who prepard my food didnt wash hand properly after poo2, and that person might have just been me! so there incidence of me falling sick could have been due to all the reasons above and not sex. but hey, we get so titillated about it that we want it to have something to do with everything we do =/


my friends had good intentions but half knowledge's suck..there times when it is better than no knowledge but at times just hold ur tongue coz it causes needless paranoia and awkward moments.

this rationale thinking, did not happen at that time...it takes time and sleep.
and to the one who matters, if ur reading this, im not sure when u would though...we didnt give each other anything except a good time and laughs. so call me...xxx 

a bad day

today definitely marks as one of my urghhhhhh days..
i was anal'ed during presentation * this aint an exaggeration*
argued with the housemate..
and the worst was when i found the empty room opposite mine has an occupant, four legged furry monster =((


ps. i am not the only one who is having sucky day..sighh

note to self

thirukural =)


Anbirkum Undor Aazhaikkum Thaazh
Aarvalar Pun Kanneer Poosal Tharum


Translation
[Affection cannot be confined by shutters;
Uncontrollable tears will roll down spontaneously when one sees the sufferings of loved ones]


Anbillaar Elaam Thamakkuriyar Anbudaiyaar
Enbum Uriyar Pirarkku


Translation
[One who doesn't love is possessive about everything;
One who loves would even be willing to part their bones]




Pulambal Enasendren Pullinen Nenjam
Kalathal Uruvathu Kandu


Translation
[i was complaining i lost life till i found it in you] (?)


ps.need to get hold on the complete book with translation of course =)

fun and mishaps

yesterday was definitely a good night and when the DJ played 'give me everything tonight' all of us were on the floor working up sweat to the beat *i personally feel its a corny song but hey it was acceptable that night* final prom, the prospects of working, moving away from familiar faces and places, earning one's keep, being independent in the big bad world does get one a lil dewy eyed but then we will not let it stop us from letting our hair down and having fun...it was all the more reason for us to do so =) if not now, when would we..in a lil less than 2weeks we would be freaking out for finals and then the curtain closes.

to friends which feel like family, what could i say anything more than what i have said before? we have had our ups and downs, quarrels and cold wars but nothing negative ever lasts all that long for we know that we love each other and that is what matters. mishaps will happen but will only make the bond we share stronger..<3
much love!

ps. falling down and getting hurt, losing voice, and impending assignments will not dampen my spirits! XD

approval

refilling your cup though you you know you had one too many in company.

repeated questions coz d heart seems not to rest on with answers given

anticipating the lover's appreciative gaze or touch after an interlude.

waiting for the response your peers once a remark has been made.

approvals are constantly seeked or held out on. everyone of us has been on either ends though some of us more at one end than the other. question lies on how far would one go to seek an approval or hold out on the other. it is easy to see why one seeks it, it is to belong, to feel one with the rest. reasons keeping it away from the other however is hard to gauge. it could be seen as deeming one's worth, it could be a cruel game of amusement or it could be merely the figment of imagination to one who is insecure.

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight

Just a touch of the fire burning so bright

No, I don't wanna mess this thing up

I don't wanna push too far

Just a shot in the dark that you just might

Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life

So baby I'm alright

With just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time

It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find

It's never felt so real

No it's never felt so right

-Just A Kiss, Lady Antebellum

ps. to my Gannicus, the lines above speak volumes that we both dont. 

jest

line of the day

'...i saved the day, and got the girl...' with jest in voice.

you are unsure on who to be mad at...him for being so self assured or yourself coz he said the truth ;)

best description of current mood

'To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.'

-from woody allen's love and death

ramble bamble

i push my distraction to gather my thoughts, heaved a sigh of relief when i did but as moments pass i realize my thoughts are again my thoughts of distraction. i keep my hands busy with writing and when i look into the piece of paper they are but doodles of distraction. conversations engaged with others are either of peppered with distraction or interrupted with flashes of distraction.

the harder i try to disengage from the arms of distraction, i get further entwined. resistance seems futile and surrendering seems like sweet escape. as i just about to give in, the arms loosen the grip, the cloak lifts, suffocation becomes apparent as the oxygen of realities shock the senses, numbness disappear and pain becomes real.

my funny friend.

After a long day of shopping my friend went to order food, she stood at the counter and said ' KFC snack plate, 1' and the dude just stared at her without responding. She repeated her order again and the dude turned slowly looking at his co-worker, my friend lost her cool and was about to yell when she noticed the big yellow M sign....

as she quickly made her escape, the eruption of laughter ensued =p

nerd humor.

yours truly thinks one of the best to get back to an ex-flame is calling them with a pseudo-STD scare ;)

*but that could only work if u were active

**most people are so stupid they don't think of the previous statement ;)

***ignore me..

pain is a friend or fiend?

yesterday was the day i quit procrastinating and signed up for yoga class. before leaving i told hema, it should not be all that tough since i had experience...boy was i wrong!

i could hardly bend and people almost twice my age were so limber...it was definitely a humbling moment that i'm getting much older and its high time i started taking my health and physique for granted *somber moment*

on a lighter note, i bunked class..again =D

'One good thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain' - Bob Marley

locked doors.

There was once last year I was stuck in my bestie's room as the door refused to open and my date was due to arrive in 15 minutes. To cut a long story short, the date did not materialize and I was only 'saved' by bestie's brother who broke the door knob after more than an hour of lock picking. Needless to say, I was the joke of the day not just to bestie and her housemates but also my savior =.=

This year, my savior successfully locked himself out of his room but imprisoned himself within the house as the main door keys were in the room ..muahahahahaha!

If you think this is the bit where the damsel saves the day, it isnt...He was saved by the house owner.

Though I did have a good laugh ;)

she missed it.

the awkward moment when the shampoo girl is scrubbing your scalp and she keeps missing the itchy spot and by the time you muster enough strength to tell her, she says 'jom basuh' =.=