lets play a game
shall give it a name
called blame
u wanted to defame
and i shall cause shame
it's so common,kan?we pick a nasty emotion, and find a reason to blame it on someone.
like 'he is the reason i'm so miserable' ,
' she is the reason i'm broken beyond repair ',
' you're the reason i'm penniless' and its so tiresome to hear it,really.
i'm quite sure soon i might hear things like,
' i blame you for my constipation'
'why?'
'u dont like fruits, so i pun didnt eat any' =.=
why do our emotions and state of mind has to dependent on a another individual's actions and words? why are they responsible for something that we are suppose to have control over.
i understand no one can have full control of their feelings but certain amount restraints are necessary especially if it is involving negative feelings and other individuals. why do we subject other people to misery and gulit for our own mistakes, expectations and neurotransmitter chaos?
i think we always keep in mind, that no matter how close we are to someone..we should not take them for granted and think that they would put up with all our shit including our nasty blames towards them just coz they love us.
one of the things that made me think hard was a line a mom told her daughter ' people love you,aaliyah..they don't love you coz you're special but you're special because of their love' and that friends is one of truths we fail to realize. so again my question, why do we blame and hurt the people who love us? instigate their anger and causing them to move away?
what i wanna say is, one should stop blaming other people for the chaos in their lives and work on loving people who matter instead. done. and yes i am a self righteous ass.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
demons
my early memories of them were the shadows underneath the crack of my bedroom door, the invisible hand which might suck you in when you go poo-poo, the moment you quicken your pace when you're walking back home in the evening refusing to look despite the nagging urge coz ur friends said 'jangan toleh belakang, malaikat akan hilang dan setan naik belakang'.
im no longer a child contrary to my parents' belief proven by my attention seeking gray and i still believe in demons. not just the ones which will suck ya in the sewage or climb on ur back but the ones within. call it fear, call it pride, might even be pessimism. turn a blind eye and ignore it all u want, but its going to be there..nagging at ya, setting out needless alarms, and speed breaks from the things and people you want or rightfully yours *not necessarily in that order*
it sucks i'll admit to that...but we all took our time to get over them, right?sometimes with a lil help from someone who cared enough to set us right but they have demons of their own,kan? so do we wait for help, seek for help, help ourselves, or just do nothing as in most times?
i have decided to ignore gandhi, and wage war...against inner demons..wish me luck =)
incomplete rambling?yes..my apologies. i will strive harder next time =p
im no longer a child contrary to my parents' belief proven by my attention seeking gray and i still believe in demons. not just the ones which will suck ya in the sewage or climb on ur back but the ones within. call it fear, call it pride, might even be pessimism. turn a blind eye and ignore it all u want, but its going to be there..nagging at ya, setting out needless alarms, and speed breaks from the things and people you want or rightfully yours *not necessarily in that order*
it sucks i'll admit to that...but we all took our time to get over them, right?sometimes with a lil help from someone who cared enough to set us right but they have demons of their own,kan? so do we wait for help, seek for help, help ourselves, or just do nothing as in most times?
i have decided to ignore gandhi, and wage war...against inner demons..wish me luck =)
incomplete rambling?yes..my apologies. i will strive harder next time =p
Monday, June 4, 2012
ziggy lights
its close to 3am *regardless of what the time my blog says i posted this*, the rain woke me up =)) its a thunderstorm outside and its lovely to watch the zig zag lights, to hear the comforting patter of rain and feel the cold wind...
i will miss this room and i shall excuse myself now to enjoy liquid love ;)
i will miss this room and i shall excuse myself now to enjoy liquid love ;)
Sunday, June 3, 2012
spent
he will be the death of me.
ps. this tone is mock serious and as much i cant believe i'm saying it, i will not have it any other way.
pps.i changed my mind, my laptop will be the death of me.
ps. this tone is mock serious and as much i cant believe i'm saying it, i will not have it any other way.
pps.i changed my mind, my laptop will be the death of me.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
normalized.
all i needed was them to came by for a short surprise visit which cleared away the dark clouds and childlike musings. it is never ceases to amaze that they willingly drive for 3 hours just to have lunch and leave sans any complaints. their affection might not be said in words but the actions speak in volumes that cant be said by others. many might come and go, profess their adoration but none could compare to the love parents have for their children.
<3
Thursday, May 24, 2012
half knowledge, concerns, stigmas, paranoia, and sex
it all started with the lil furry guy stuck in the room opposite mine and me being adamant of not letting him out till i left for home in ipoh on friday. poor guy died on saturday when my friends decided to capture him, instead of being caught and released to the wild he was given a burial at my porch with flowers and moment of silence honoring his death due to heat and starvation. i should have had more guts, could have attempted in his catch or release or at least braved myself to leave outside the door. i did neither out of fear and stigma and self importance =( #mistake1
during this course of time i managed to injure myself twice so i had 2 open cuts which i did not bother giving much attention as there were other pressing matters to worry bout like viva and the usuals. both this open cuts were sufficiently large but me being me did not bother even to the one on my sole #mistake2
when i was back home for the weekend, everyone was ill due to some nasty bug and i left home thinking 'that was a close one' mistake#3
so after all that mistakes on my part, i fell sick started with sore throat, fever at night with chills and bodyache...dismissing it as the bug from home, i carried on till thursday night when there pressure points of my feet and hands were painful with the slightest pressure. i was burning up, restless, itchy especially on my scalp with what felt like lil bumps on 'em and what freaked me out was the lil vesicles on my face which looked like chicken pox.
at the physician's, he had the same concerns as mine but looking at my hand and feet he said it might be HFMD (hand foot mouth disease) so he prescribed me with acyclovir and i was all set for prash's bday party after the lukewarm one we had for him the night before by the housemates.fast forward toyesterday and i had to return back to sp for my dental appointment.
my soon to be a dentist is a 3rd year student, great guy who puts in a lot effort in his work, i before the session, i was having a bug and he might wanna use double gloves which he did. at the end of session, he wanted to have a word and told me the injury near mouth looks very much like herpes..jeng jeng jeng!i told him i was on acyclovir and think it should be it sufficient. now he planted the second seed of paranoia, the first was planted by a another friend, who is final year medical student who saw me after some time gave me the usual hug and kiss pleasantries.while talking she noticed the marks on my fingers and she exclaimed HFMD and i told her it is okay, m on acyclovir. she had to insist it was herpes coz i was on acyclovir.
now, we finally get to the bit of half knowledges...my soon to be dentist friend has just learned contagious diseases and was applying his knowledge. we all remember the nastiest disease the best coz they are nastiest and since most of the infections have similar clinical presentations our mind's will jump quick into conclusion to the worst possible outcomes coz that is how we are tuned, to think of the worst! the thing bout diagnosis is, it is actually a guessing game and one would get it right with sufficient knowledge and experience.
my other friend, she is a perfect example of doctors who match up diseases with the medicines. herpes occurs either orally or genitally or how dr.rajesh explained 'waist up or waist down' coz the organism which infects are 2 types, and one affects one region only. she also failed to look into the history taking which resulted in the prescription of medication, suspected chicken pox. and then as most doctors, she only fixes one drug for a disease coz that makes her job easier but i study drugs and i know acyclovir has well a number of uses apart from HSV.
what im trying to get to is there was so many reasons that i could have fallen sick for and one of it could have been someone who prepard my food didnt wash hand properly after poo2, and that person might have just been me! so there incidence of me falling sick could have been due to all the reasons above and not sex. but hey, we get so titillated about it that we want it to have something to do with everything we do =/
my friends had good intentions but half knowledge's suck..there times when it is better than no knowledge but at times just hold ur tongue coz it causes needless paranoia and awkward moments.
this rationale thinking, did not happen at that time...it takes time and sleep.
and to the one who matters, if ur reading this, im not sure when u would though...we didnt give each other anything except a good time and laughs. so call me...xxx
during this course of time i managed to injure myself twice so i had 2 open cuts which i did not bother giving much attention as there were other pressing matters to worry bout like viva and the usuals. both this open cuts were sufficiently large but me being me did not bother even to the one on my sole #mistake2
when i was back home for the weekend, everyone was ill due to some nasty bug and i left home thinking 'that was a close one' mistake#3
so after all that mistakes on my part, i fell sick started with sore throat, fever at night with chills and bodyache...dismissing it as the bug from home, i carried on till thursday night when there pressure points of my feet and hands were painful with the slightest pressure. i was burning up, restless, itchy especially on my scalp with what felt like lil bumps on 'em and what freaked me out was the lil vesicles on my face which looked like chicken pox.
at the physician's, he had the same concerns as mine but looking at my hand and feet he said it might be HFMD (hand foot mouth disease) so he prescribed me with acyclovir and i was all set for prash's bday party after the lukewarm one we had for him the night before by the housemates.fast forward toyesterday and i had to return back to sp for my dental appointment.
my soon to be a dentist is a 3rd year student, great guy who puts in a lot effort in his work, i before the session, i was having a bug and he might wanna use double gloves which he did. at the end of session, he wanted to have a word and told me the injury near mouth looks very much like herpes..jeng jeng jeng!i told him i was on acyclovir and think it should be it sufficient. now he planted the second seed of paranoia, the first was planted by a another friend, who is final year medical student who saw me after some time gave me the usual hug and kiss pleasantries.while talking she noticed the marks on my fingers and she exclaimed HFMD and i told her it is okay, m on acyclovir. she had to insist it was herpes coz i was on acyclovir.
now, we finally get to the bit of half knowledges...my soon to be dentist friend has just learned contagious diseases and was applying his knowledge. we all remember the nastiest disease the best coz they are nastiest and since most of the infections have similar clinical presentations our mind's will jump quick into conclusion to the worst possible outcomes coz that is how we are tuned, to think of the worst! the thing bout diagnosis is, it is actually a guessing game and one would get it right with sufficient knowledge and experience.
my other friend, she is a perfect example of doctors who match up diseases with the medicines. herpes occurs either orally or genitally or how dr.rajesh explained 'waist up or waist down' coz the organism which infects are 2 types, and one affects one region only. she also failed to look into the history taking which resulted in the prescription of medication, suspected chicken pox. and then as most doctors, she only fixes one drug for a disease coz that makes her job easier but i study drugs and i know acyclovir has well a number of uses apart from HSV.
what im trying to get to is there was so many reasons that i could have fallen sick for and one of it could have been someone who prepard my food didnt wash hand properly after poo2, and that person might have just been me! so there incidence of me falling sick could have been due to all the reasons above and not sex. but hey, we get so titillated about it that we want it to have something to do with everything we do =/
my friends had good intentions but half knowledge's suck..there times when it is better than no knowledge but at times just hold ur tongue coz it causes needless paranoia and awkward moments.
this rationale thinking, did not happen at that time...it takes time and sleep.
and to the one who matters, if ur reading this, im not sure when u would though...we didnt give each other anything except a good time and laughs. so call me...xxx
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