older not wiser

remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? 
when protection meant wearing a helmet? 
when the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? 
dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? 
your worst enemies were your siblings. race issues were about who ran the fastest. 
war was only a card game.
 and the only drug you knew was cough medicine. 
the most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees. 
and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow?
and we couldn't wait to grow up.


i remember reading this some time back and recently came across it again..i guess some truths will not change over time unlike our minds and feelings.

breaking resolves

how often do you make a resolve? a resolve to be more active, eat healthier, be more organized, to stop procrastinating and a whole bunch of mental notes that we make in hopes that it will alter our lives.

I'm pretty big when it comes to resolves, there was the vegetarian phase, the morning jog phase, the sticky note phase, the keep an active blog phase =p but i don't think i have stuck with one all the way except for now the getting to work on time no matter what.

people like my parents, would raise an eyebrow to such a resolve. for them its a no brainer 'one has to be early for work' unfortunately i'm part of a spoilt generation, thus a resolve is necessary.

breaking resolves are not hard either but living with a broken resolve sucks, the guilt swallows one up slowly but surely like one bite into cake that expands the waistline and u keep telling urself one more bite wont hurt but when ur done. you know the imminent ' a moment on the lips, forever on the hips'

 i think i have broken quite a number of resolves that will be robbing me a goodnight's sleep..sighh!
 

dum dum dum?

'Everyone is getting married'
 'How can they get married so young'
 'What are they thinking?' 
When we say these things, it sort of makes it sound that the people who are getting married are making a mistake and we are above it coz we are free, single, and have an absolutely exciting life and that is the way to live.

Sally: When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together, but we didn't want to get married because every time anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It's true, it's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids - and, actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice - and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it anymore. She didn't even complain about it, now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time, the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we'd say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon because I'd promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing "I Spy" - I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post - and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, "I spy a family." And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice." 
Harry: And the kitchen floor? 
Sally: [sadly] Not once. It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile.
~When Harry Met Sally



we are kidding ourselves, call yourself an exception but...i envy them. i envy those people who are getting married. i envy them for their optimism,  for their blissful life (even if it maybe short lived or not so idealistic), their bravery to take the plunge, their good fortune in finding someone to take it with them. I envy it all.

what is stopping us? the rationale reason is the right person or right time is not available, but more than the rationale reason, the irrational fear is what makes us crippled emotionally. distorts and skews our impression of us, people we love, love and marriage. 

anyone who is close to me, would have heard me bitching about my current dissatisfaction in life which is a direct consequence of me getting a job and moving to a new city. i am alone and lonely, i hate coming back to an empty messy room, i hate sleeping alone, i hate waking up alone, i barely have any conversations which are not work related, and the nasty parts of work overshadow the bits i love. basically, without me knowing i have been kissed by a Dementor. 

there has been countless times, when i unlocked the door, i hoped for a smiling face, kind word or a hug maybe but there was none coz well there is no one. a colleague of mine told me the only way she gets through the shitty days in work is because she has another life to go back to. a home, a husband, a family.

so i was thinking, why not get married? it will take away all the nasty feelings i have. i`ll have a home and person to come back to, there would be endorphin -oxytocin (happy hormones) releasing sex and the kissing and cuddling before, after and random times =) when work sucks or when i have a bad day, there is always someone i can go to and he would kiss me and make everything better or at least bearable.
so my reason of wanting to get married is, i need a companion, someone i can live with, talk to and have sex and that would somehow magically fix everything which is wrong in my life right now. 

if you care for me, please take a large heavy object and hit me..hard. coz honestly u cant do any more brain damage than what has already been done. as im writing this out, i'm acutely aware how skewed my thoughts are..a marriage wont fix everything. my knight in shining armor will not be able to whisk me away from it all even if he exists. my troubles and problems are my own. as much i hate to admit it, im stuck with em until i make something out of it or i die trying

Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse, wouldn't quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he turned that cream into butter and crawled out. Gentlemen, as of this moment, I am that second mouse. 
~Catch Me If You Can 

i think marriages are great and people who are getting married are really lucky coz there is another person who actually gives a shit about the shit you're going through. but if you had thoughts of wanting to be married because of the reasons i gave, please ask a friend to hit you hard on the head.

mid morning breakfast blues..

the only stuff edible at home are instant noodles and wholemeal bread with coffee. i wake up in the morning solely for my cuppa and my couple of slices of bread with butter. today however, the butter was missing..gone! not in the fridge, not on the kitchen counter, not on the dining table, not underneath the sofa or the cushions, i looked everywhere and was mentally yelling at my dad in case if he threw it away *my dad is completely capable of doing such crimes under the ploy of healthy eating..bah!* healthy instant noodles,my foot! when i realized the butter was truly gone and i was penniless, i lost all motivation to live..the only thing which kept me going was to chastise my dad when he comes home for lunch break. and when i did, his response was 'u cleared the kitchen,kan..maybe u accidentally threw it away' he said nonchalantly. then it all made sense, i'm slowly but surely self senju'ing myself into losing all motivation to wake up...oh well, at least there's loads of coffee at home =)

somethings just cant be translated

i'm going to make serious active efforts in improving my tamil reading skills.

reason?

திருக்குறள்

emotions are exhaustive

Today marks the first year anniversary of 2 events, the death of a friend and the day I met another.

I had no idea then how much it would have changed and did not change about my life. The retention of our memories are strongly influenced by our emotions at that particular time and I clearly remember how incapable I was to think beyond my grief, pain, loss and regrets.

My mind was stuck in a loop of memories of him, good memories which made me weep and bad ones which I would have done anything to undone and make better. 'If only' was so highly overused at that time.

He was not conventional nice, he picked on me, made me see my flaws,laughed at me when i was wrong and begrudgingly patted my back when i proved him wrong. I miss Vinod for many things but mostly for the not-so-nice ones which I would be annoyed of him when he was around, things that he insisted his friends would miss him for.

His passing made me realize little truths of life, made me promise to a number of things which I sometimes I don't keep up to although when memories of him hit home, I try a lil harder.

A year has passed and I feel now I remember Vinod the way he would have wanted to be remembered, not the sappy corny mushy sad stuff but him for he was and what is missing when is he no longer around.

p.s
nod, over the year i did a bunch of things u always nagged me bout with some help from a new friend. ;)

pps.
i can drive now =)

men

men!
i have always enjoyed their company and aptly called 'boy crazy' by besties
i love them, some i love indiscriminately others with some discretion ;)
i love their wit and humor, for their take of life and all things around them.
love the way they pay attention to the fairer sex and the lil games we play.
i love them from far and even better when i dont know them and their usual flaws.

something bout being effortless and making girls squirm anyway,
maybe its the cheekiness, cockiness and occasional chivalry,
or maybe the fact they pretend to be good listeners and say 'there..there,dearie'
sighhh..my favorite subject all time would always be the male species ;)